Mia Culpa time

There is nothing quite as painful as having messed up, and hurt someone else in the process.

This past weekend I realized how much I cared for someone. This loving and tender person has never done me wrong, but I hurt her, repeatedly, emotionally for over two years. It was never my intent to inflict such pain on her. And because of this, she no longer trusts me. Which I can fully understand.

I have no right to request forgiveness, but I will, and I do ask it. I ask to be given a chance to fix what I have broken. I ask for the chance to make right the things I have done wrong. I ask that at some future time, I may be forgiven.

I do not know what 'love' means to me. I've never really known it, myself. I've seen it in others. I've been able to identify it there, recognize it, and wish for it. But I've never known that truly open and honest and golden warmth of welcoming someone inside my heart. I've never felt comfortable opening up that much to anyone. and so I don't know how to. I hope that someday I will understand this, because right now, I don't.

I'm not even sure I'm human, without this ability to love or to accept being loved.



My Heroes

I recently stumbled across a question on onioning.com that I felt compelled to answer. The question was: your parents are strong [or] cool people consider!!?

I thought I would share my answer here, as well. There is much more to say on the subject, but I think little more need be said than this:

I believe my father to be a strong person, because of who I am. He helped mold me into the person I am, today. He tried to teach me right versus wrong, but also gave me the freedom to make mistakes, as long as I accepted the responsibility for the mistake and learned from it.
My step mother contributed largely to this, as well. If it were not for her, probably would never have learned to read or to dream.
Yes, they are both strong people.
They are my heroes.

Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Dad.



The Angel of Death has Come for a Friend

Last week, my mother-in-law passed. We had a memorial for her on Tuesday.

Paula was a wonderful woman, full of praises. Always with a quick, meaningful smile and a word of support. As a school teacher, she touched and supported the little town she lived in at a level politicians could only dream of. Former students (and their parents) were always speaking with her, when she was out. I swear she knew EVERYONE in that little town.

She will be missed by many, but those that knew her best, knows she was in a terrible fight with ALS (Lou Gherigs Disease). Unlike most cases, ALS started in her jaw/throat. In late January, she fell, breaking an ankle. While in he hospital, after surgery for the break, she quietly went to sleep and stopped breathing. It is believed the ALS started effecting her diaphragm and she quietly passed.

Though she and I disagreed on beliefs, we did agree there was room in the heart of her God for all persons who worked to bring peace and good to all, regardless of what paths. So, Paula, I sit here, at my desk, nearly 1000 miles from your final resting place, before a lit candle and a Holy Bible, wishing you well, wishing you peace, and hoping someday we speak, again.