Mia Culpa time

There is nothing quite as painful as having messed up, and hurt someone else in the process.

This past weekend I realized how much I cared for someone. This loving and tender person has never done me wrong, but I hurt her, repeatedly, emotionally for over two years. It was never my intent to inflict such pain on her. And because of this, she no longer trusts me. Which I can fully understand.

I have no right to request forgiveness, but I will, and I do ask it. I ask to be given a chance to fix what I have broken. I ask for the chance to make right the things I have done wrong. I ask that at some future time, I may be forgiven.

I do not know what 'love' means to me. I've never really known it, myself. I've seen it in others. I've been able to identify it there, recognize it, and wish for it. But I've never known that truly open and honest and golden warmth of welcoming someone inside my heart. I've never felt comfortable opening up that much to anyone. and so I don't know how to. I hope that someday I will understand this, because right now, I don't.

I'm not even sure I'm human, without this ability to love or to accept being loved.


No comments: