My dreams of happiness and success are empty and hollow. My wishes and desires for the heart of another person, now lost to me are but ash in the wind. Gone much like the magician's flash paper.
As I have been reflecting on the changes I need to make in me, and through me to the world about me, I've come to the edge of myself, and the empty darkness is there.
And there begins the nightmare. Control the nightmare, stop the fall into nothing, and find your way. Nightmares are for adults.
Idealistic dreams are for children and those with no responsibilities.
Aspirations are based on an attainable reality. Aspirations helped man fly, made the telephone a reality and put an end to Hitler. Aspirations are the antidote to the blackness of the nightmare.
The last few months have been a bit difficult for me. I've left a good job, left loved ones and moved halfway across the country to tend to family. No discussion, no thought to much of anyone but my own selfish desires. I don't believe I was wrong in my decision, but definitely wrong in the execution. The manner in which I did certain things left people hurt and alone and unsupported.
In one review, it was an escape from a situation quickly going askew. A relationship that was changing in a way I did not feel ready for, but needed to go into, if I stayed. A relationship I sincerely wish I had had the foresight to better protect. Because of this failure, people I care for have been hurt. And I now wish I had nurtured the situation, because I now know, one is never ready, but simply must do. I wish I was doing so, now. I feel I have a lot left to give this world, and my heart is a good place to start sharing.
In another review, I wept and wallowed is misery on how I was again alone, and on and on. All so bad for me, always so bad,my life sucks, etc. A self pity party of near colossally epic proportions. During which less than nice things were said or written. Childish temper tantrums were sent through the postal mail, and I regret every word of it.
I know it can't be done overnight, but how does an adult, finally, grow up?
And that brings us back to the beginning of this post; 'To be or not to be', that is my question to myself. One I finally understand and answer “Yes, to be. To be the grown up I should be. That is what I wish of myself.” But how to get there, from here?
This past weekend I realized how much I cared for someone. This loving and tender person has never done me wrong, but I hurt her, repeatedly, emotionally for over two years. It was never my intent to inflict such pain on her. And because of this, she no longer trusts me. Which I can fully understand.
I have no right to request forgiveness, but I will, and I do ask it. I ask to be given a chance to fix what I have broken. I ask for the chance to make right the things I have done wrong. I ask that at some future time, I may be forgiven.
I do not know what 'love' means to me. I've never really known it, myself. I've seen it in others. I've been able to identify it there, recognize it, and wish for it. But I've never known that truly open and honest and golden warmth of welcoming someone inside my heart. I've never felt comfortable opening up that much to anyone. and so I don't know how to. I hope that someday I will understand this, because right now, I don't.
I'm not even sure I'm human, without this ability to love or to accept being loved.
I thought I would share my answer here, as well. There is much more to say on the subject, but I think little more need be said than this:
I believe my father to be a strong person, because of who I am. He helped mold me into the person I am, today. He tried to teach me right versus wrong, but also gave me the freedom to make mistakes, as long as I accepted the responsibility for the mistake and learned from it.
My step mother contributed largely to this, as well. If it were not for her, probably would never have learned to read or to dream.
Yes, they are both strong people.
They are my heroes.
Paula was a wonderful woman, full of praises. Always with a quick, meaningful smile and a word of support. As a school teacher, she touched and supported the little town she lived in at a level politicians could only dream of. Former students (and their parents) were always speaking with her, when she was out. I swear she knew EVERYONE in that little town.
She will be missed by many, but those that knew her best, knows she was in a terrible fight with ALS (Lou Gherigs Disease). Unlike most cases, ALS started in her jaw/throat. In late January, she fell, breaking an ankle. While in he hospital, after surgery for the break, she quietly went to sleep and stopped breathing. It is believed the ALS started effecting her diaphragm and she quietly passed.
Though she and I disagreed on beliefs, we did agree there was room in the heart of her God for all persons who worked to bring peace and good to all, regardless of what paths. So, Paula, I sit here, at my desk, nearly 1000 miles from your final resting place, before a lit candle and a Holy Bible, wishing you well, wishing you peace, and hoping someday we speak, again.
I’m serious, it really does. And I recognize that fact. Everyday I sense the sliding and the slipping into a deeper state of apathy. I’m in the house, alone, no job, diminishing fiscal statements and I’m having a hard giving a damn about it all.
This is what it comes down to: I need to get off my ass and DO something. But I have no energy or desire to do anything. And this just makes the apathy even deeper. This is when the muscles start to ache, the eyes start to burn, the head starts to pound.
And this is just the beginning of depression for me. I’ve got to make the changes, now, to keep from getting any deeper. Fight through the apathy and struggle beyond it. I just have no energy for the fighting, internal or external.
I’m so tired, I could go back to bed and sleep another 6 hours, maybe more.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I left this blog un-updated for several months.
Last August I took a vacation. On this vacation I stopped by to see my family, on my ride to the Smokey Mountains. This is when I learned how ill members of my family are.
So, in October, I moved from OKC to a suburb of Indianapolis to help. I left my good job at Dell, sold off or gave away a lot of what I owned, and put my blacksmithing equipment into storage.
Here, in Indiana, I find myself lonely, but not alone; unemployed, but working; broke, but surviving; depressed, but fighting it.
So, in light of the limitation of decent jobs in the area for a person with my skills, I've started my own IT services business. I'm even offering remote services, at this time. So, if you have needs, or know someone who does, please feel free to let me know. Mention this blog to get a discount.
My 'corporate' website is 'http://www.L4SMB.com'