Dreams are for children

Another realization: Dreams are for children.

My dreams of happiness and success are empty and hollow. My wishes and desires for the heart of another person, now lost to me are but ash in the wind. Gone much like the magician's flash paper.

As I have been reflecting on the changes I need to make in me, and through me to the world about me, I've come to the edge of myself, and the empty darkness is there.

And there begins the nightmare. Control the nightmare, stop the fall into nothing, and find your way. Nightmares are for adults.

Idealistic dreams are for children and those with no responsibilities.

Aspirations are based on an attainable reality. Aspirations helped man fly, made the telephone a reality and put an end to Hitler. Aspirations are the antidote to the blackness of the nightmare.



To be or not to be

“To be or not to be.” The eternal question posed by Shakespeare so many years ago is rather poignant, tonight, for me, personally.

The last few months have been a bit difficult for me. I've left a good job, left loved ones and moved halfway across the country to tend to family. No discussion, no thought to much of anyone but my own selfish desires. I don't believe I was wrong in my decision, but definitely wrong in the execution. The manner in which I did certain things left people hurt and alone and unsupported.

In one review, it was an escape from a situation quickly going askew. A relationship that was changing in a way I did not feel ready for, but needed to go into, if I stayed. A relationship I sincerely wish I had had the foresight to better protect. Because of this failure, people I care for have been hurt. And I now wish I had nurtured the situation, because I now know, one is never ready, but simply must do. I wish I was doing so, now. I feel I have a lot left to give this world, and my heart is a good place to start sharing.

In another review, I wept and wallowed is misery on how I was again alone, and on and on. All so bad for me, always so bad,my life sucks, etc. A self pity party of near colossally epic proportions. During which less than nice things were said or written. Childish temper tantrums were sent through the postal mail, and I regret every word of it.

I know it can't be done overnight, but how does an adult, finally, grow up?

And that brings us back to the beginning of this post; 'To be or not to be', that is my question to myself. One I finally understand and answer “Yes, to be. To be the grown up I should be. That is what I wish of myself.” But how to get there, from here?



Mia Culpa time

There is nothing quite as painful as having messed up, and hurt someone else in the process.

This past weekend I realized how much I cared for someone. This loving and tender person has never done me wrong, but I hurt her, repeatedly, emotionally for over two years. It was never my intent to inflict such pain on her. And because of this, she no longer trusts me. Which I can fully understand.

I have no right to request forgiveness, but I will, and I do ask it. I ask to be given a chance to fix what I have broken. I ask for the chance to make right the things I have done wrong. I ask that at some future time, I may be forgiven.

I do not know what 'love' means to me. I've never really known it, myself. I've seen it in others. I've been able to identify it there, recognize it, and wish for it. But I've never known that truly open and honest and golden warmth of welcoming someone inside my heart. I've never felt comfortable opening up that much to anyone. and so I don't know how to. I hope that someday I will understand this, because right now, I don't.

I'm not even sure I'm human, without this ability to love or to accept being loved.



My Heroes

I recently stumbled across a question on onioning.com that I felt compelled to answer. The question was: your parents are strong [or] cool people consider!!?

I thought I would share my answer here, as well. There is much more to say on the subject, but I think little more need be said than this:

I believe my father to be a strong person, because of who I am. He helped mold me into the person I am, today. He tried to teach me right versus wrong, but also gave me the freedom to make mistakes, as long as I accepted the responsibility for the mistake and learned from it.
My step mother contributed largely to this, as well. If it were not for her, probably would never have learned to read or to dream.
Yes, they are both strong people.
They are my heroes.

Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Dad.



The Angel of Death has Come for a Friend

Last week, my mother-in-law passed. We had a memorial for her on Tuesday.

Paula was a wonderful woman, full of praises. Always with a quick, meaningful smile and a word of support. As a school teacher, she touched and supported the little town she lived in at a level politicians could only dream of. Former students (and their parents) were always speaking with her, when she was out. I swear she knew EVERYONE in that little town.

She will be missed by many, but those that knew her best, knows she was in a terrible fight with ALS (Lou Gherigs Disease). Unlike most cases, ALS started in her jaw/throat. In late January, she fell, breaking an ankle. While in he hospital, after surgery for the break, she quietly went to sleep and stopped breathing. It is believed the ALS started effecting her diaphragm and she quietly passed.

Though she and I disagreed on beliefs, we did agree there was room in the heart of her God for all persons who worked to bring peace and good to all, regardless of what paths. So, Paula, I sit here, at my desk, nearly 1000 miles from your final resting place, before a lit candle and a Holy Bible, wishing you well, wishing you peace, and hoping someday we speak, again.



Slump Fighting


Thank goodness for Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, John Jameson and our many other friends of sour mash origins!

NO, I'm not intoxicated, nor am I even tipsy. I've had a single drink, this afternoon, of normal size and proportions for an American Legion post's bar. The good of this is not from the fact that I had a drink, nor that I had a drink with a bunch of old drunk farts. Instead it is in the fact that one of my fellow legionnaires recognized I was a bit 'down' and started a conversation with me. He sincerely wanted to know what was going on. This in turn lead to other conversations about business and such. So, NOW, I have a former sales guy for an Indianapolis area technology services provider digging out his old phone book and will start making introductory phone calls, tomorrow.

This is really promising news on getting my business off the ground. I'm hoping he can pull it off.

More to follow, when I know more. As it is, I need to get some fliers, etc, together so when I do face-to-face visits with these fine people, I can leave them with something to contact me through.



Depression sucks

I’m serious, it really does. And I recognize that fact. Everyday I sense the sliding and the slipping into a deeper state of apathy. I’m in the house, alone, no job, diminishing fiscal statements and I’m having a hard giving a damn about it all.

This is what it comes down to: I need to get off my ass and DO something. But I have no energy or desire to do anything. And this just makes the apathy even deeper. This is when the muscles start to ache, the eyes start to burn, the head starts to pound.

And this is just the beginning of depression for me. I’ve got to make the changes, now, to keep from getting any deeper. Fight through the apathy and struggle beyond it. I just have no energy for the fighting, internal or external.

I’m so tired, I could go back to bed and sleep another 6 hours, maybe more.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.



Mis-daventures at lunch

So, here I am, in Franklin, Indiana. A small town, where as a young person I was taught the variances of 'right and wrong' behavior.

Today, I witnessed, and humbly admit to participating in, poor behavior. The type of behavior that would have had my backside spanked to a light cherry red color and other forms of punishment.

Here is the story of today's events:

About 11:30 AM I decided I would step out for lunch. A working lunch, I decided. So I went to the local dining hall of a national chain of pizza's, one that has a lunch buffet. I'm thinking it is quiet, here. A week day, not many young people will be here from the high school, because it is closed for a false holiday. And the usual lunch crowd will be smaller, because so many people will be at home with their progeny, because, again I state, the schools were closed in observance of a false holiday.

I'm at a booth, having quietly enjoyed a salad and a soda. I've been entertained by the actions of a small girl, 3 or 4 years old, quiet, but active. When she spoke with her parents, she used a soft voice, barely above a whisper. She was polite, at one point apologizing for bumping into me, at the salad bar. When asking for more 'Sprite' she said 'please' and 'thank you' upon delivery. Shortly, this family left. Having my laptop out, and staring intently at the screen, the 'father' interrupted me and wished to apologize, if his daughter had interrupted my work. A nice, and completely unexpected gesture, especially in this day and age. I let the young man know that she had not interrupted me and I was quite appreciative of how well behaved she was, using 'please' and 'thank you'. I told him we needed more young people like her to set the example for other children. He smiled, beaming, and went to the register to pay his bill. As they were leaving the building the girl stopped, smiled and waved at me. This brightened my day. I started thinking, even though this is Monday, it is going to be a wonderful day.

And there I sat, nibbling on pizza slices, and typing away on a Linux article for a magazine. I was happy and content with my day.

Then hell spawn heathen children arrived. Two young boys, two young girls and two women, apparently the mothers of these children. At first the kids wanted to sit in the booth behind me and were bouncing up and down on the seats, until the mothers took a firmer voice, explaining that not all 6 could sit in the booth. One even stated that the bouncing was disturbing the "nice man trying to work on his computer".

With this, they then moved three smaller tables together, the young boys, in their effort to be 'big boys' and help do the heavy lifting, dumped of the tables over, salt and pepper shakers and well as parmesan cheese and red pepper flakes flying under my table, bouncing around, breaking and just in general making a large mess. The store employee was at my table, in a hurry to clean up the broken glass and other mess. One of the mother's told her boy to settle down, after a 'see what you have done' accusation.

With the mess cleaned up, the tables moved around and the kids seated, the mothers decided it was time to hit the buffet, so they both left the table to get food for the miscreants. And once their back was turned, the kids started getting loud, finger shooting each other and getting into arguments over whose finger was stronger than the others 'force shields'. This went on, and continued to grow in volume, until the mothers returned with plates for the four children. They then went to get their own food, which let the kids replace finger guns with tomato and cucumber pieces. One of the mothers turned in time to see me wiping ranch dressing out of my ear. As she was trying to get the kids under control, the other mother came over to me, I assume to apologize, until she saw the mess on my laptop. I made eye contact with her, very briefly and went back to cleaning myself and my equipment. She moved on, without a word.

I shut equipment down, and packed to leave.

As I was passing their table, I stopped, and very strongly suggested that in the future, they should consider taking their kids to a place such as McDonalds or Burger King. "A place that provides a separate play pen for the kids. The kind of place few people will go to for a sit down meal and a working lunch. An even better place for those children would be to KEEP THEM HOME. Until you can teach them how to behave in public, you have no reason to BE in public. Responsible children are the by-product of responsible adults. Please get yourself sterilized, TODAY, so the world will not have to suffer through your indifference."

Other patrons applauded. The store manager comped my buffet and gave me a gift card to return again. I advised him that he require the 'mothers from hell' to be held accountable for the loss of business and positive customer support and return. When he asked how to do that, I simply gave him the bill from my table, and suggested he require them to pay it.

He grinned, widely. "I like that idea. I like that idea, A LOT!"

I left.

And these kids are the future? Imagine who those little monsters will be, when they get old enough to understand that THEIR parents saddled them with the legacy of 'Universal Health Care'. Maybe it IS a form of justice. I need to give that avenue some additional thought.



Long time gone

Well, I've done it, again.

I left this blog un-updated for several months.

Last August I took a vacation. On this vacation I stopped by to see my family, on my ride to the Smokey Mountains. This is when I learned how ill members of my family are.

So, in October, I moved from OKC to a suburb of Indianapolis to help. I left my good job at Dell, sold off or gave away a lot of what I owned, and put my blacksmithing equipment into storage.

Here, in Indiana, I find myself lonely, but not alone; unemployed, but working; broke, but surviving; depressed, but fighting it.

So, in light of the limitation of decent jobs in the area for a person with my skills, I've started my own IT services business. I'm even offering remote services, at this time. So, if you have needs, or know someone who does, please feel free to let me know. Mention this blog to get a discount.

My 'corporate' website is 'http://www.L4SMB.com'