"No Pain, No Gain"

"No pain, no Gain"
my Drill Seargent barked
as I forced my body to meet my will
I looked deeeeep
deep down within myself
but to find a door to which only I held the key
beyond this door was a well spring
feeding my pain and agony
supporting doubts of myself
beyond this was another door
to a small quiet room
in this room stood a table
upon which perched a chest
the key to the doors opened the chest
inside the chest was my insanity
I fed the pain and agony to the insanity
and the insanity grew
and my stamina grew
the pain meant less
the world less real
soon the chest was over flowing with insanity
the small quiet room saw chaos
I felt no more pain as the outer room fed more
and more I grew
Volunteers were wanted
mission critical, chances low
Train and train some more
fight cut and bleed, but feel no pain
the insanity ran higher each day
the pain was no longer mine to contain,
but mine to give
to share
to force unto others, deserving
or not, I cared not
the night came
the helicopter lifted
quietly we dozed, not knowing where to land
the alarms sounded in my ears
the ropes fell past the skids to the trees below
down we slid, barely in control
sliding to a stop, only to run away
and disappear into the night
radio contact and silence ordered
last chance, no recall
point of no return, orders given
marched through the night
armed and crazed black shadows
lethal nightmares come to visit earth
bringing tastes of hell to the land
past the farm we went, seeking cover and shadows
shadows within shadows we moved
checkpoint met, schedule behind
double time across the open field
and into town
find the house by the towel on the fence gate
from the alley entry
check the door, no lights no sounds
gentle winds enter the house,
master and mistress found
children drugged
quietly crept to the door
lights bright discovery made
SHIT and FUCK!
burn in hell
mother takes a 9 and starts shooting
down we dove
grenades out the window
explosions and stunns
out the door we run, children under arms
parents keeping up
leader hit, down he went
man on field of battle is never left behind
fire starts, the house is a blaze
over shoulder the leader goes
shooting at those behind us, as we cover our trail.
down the alley, all hell is loose
this is our element, for we are insane
garage we enter, car is hot wired.
in the family goes
I am guarding door
as medic sees to lead
lead can't walk
noise is heard,
engine cut
door opens
side arm up
barrel of rifle fills my vision
empty hammer click as I pull the trigger,
looking into eyes of innocence
flash of light and red spray
a boy no more than 14, no longer
car is started
two in trunk, shooting as we leave town...
under the bridge, grenades bounce
leave town, heading south
ditch the car
carry leader on my back, as we go back north
20 klicks we march
through the woods, across the hills
catch the ride home
target collected and delivered
leader healing and fine
debriefing done
depression I fall as I wade
through the insanity
and looking for the pain
no pain for what I have done
innocent eyes haunting my every day
numb to the gaze of dead innocence
missing any humanity
sub human content
super human pain threshold
surreal words and thoughts
the insanity is winning
fights every day
battles within unit
broken arm and fight on
bleeding gash and fight on
searching for myself
the insanity has hidden me
crashing blow to my head
knife to my leg
stumble to the door for which only I hold the key
fumble and fall through the open door
into the full folds of my insanity
crawl across the floor
as I float within my own mind
through the chaos I crawl like a mountain climb
fighting any and all outside as I fight the insanity within
into the small room of chaos I go, locking the door behind
alone imprisoned with my insanity
hospital bed and straps
needles and tubes
I revel and vacation within my own delusions
nothing to be done
physically healthy but damage will heal
words I hear and laugh
more surreal than ever before
haunting eyes of dead innocence I see
to the edge I walk
and into the abyss I stare
I shout and swear
deny it all and hold it all close
finally I step back
the abyss is not for me
to rule it is not enough
into the box I put all my insanity
forcing it back in, like a fog
denser it grows
heavy it lays on the floor
within the chest it swirls and spins
making lightning strikes to the sides
my prison is lightening
I see the face of death
with innocent eyes staring back at me from within the chest
chest is locked and closed, but small whisps still leak out
the floor is clear
the doors are locked
and up I climb
mount everest but a anthill
and still I climb
today I continue to climb
as my sanity is forever in danger
my rage just below the surface
18 years have passed
and still I see the face of death with innocent eyes
of a 14 year old boy
know my hand did that
my body answered the call of my will