“To be or not to be.” The eternal question posed by Shakespeare so many years ago is rather poignant, tonight, for me, personally.
The last few months have been a bit difficult for me. I've left a good job, left loved ones and moved halfway across the country to tend to family. No discussion, no thought to much of anyone but my own selfish desires. I don't believe I was wrong in my decision, but definitely wrong in the execution. The manner in which I did certain things left people hurt and alone and unsupported.
In one review, it was an escape from a situation quickly going askew. A relationship that was changing in a way I did not feel ready for, but needed to go into, if I stayed. A relationship I sincerely wish I had had the foresight to better protect. Because of this failure, people I care for have been hurt. And I now wish I had nurtured the situation, because I now know, one is never ready, but simply must do. I wish I was doing so, now. I feel I have a lot left to give this world, and my heart is a good place to start sharing.
In another review, I wept and wallowed is misery on how I was again alone, and on and on. All so bad for me, always so bad,my life sucks, etc. A self pity party of near colossally epic proportions. During which less than nice things were said or written. Childish temper tantrums were sent through the postal mail, and I regret every word of it.
I know it can't be done overnight, but how does an adult, finally, grow up?
And that brings us back to the beginning of this post; 'To be or not to be', that is my question to myself. One I finally understand and answer “Yes, to be. To be the grown up I should be. That is what I wish of myself.” But how to get there, from here?