To be or not to be

“To be or not to be.” The eternal question posed by Shakespeare so many years ago is rather poignant, tonight, for me, personally.

The last few months have been a bit difficult for me. I've left a good job, left loved ones and moved halfway across the country to tend to family. No discussion, no thought to much of anyone but my own selfish desires. I don't believe I was wrong in my decision, but definitely wrong in the execution. The manner in which I did certain things left people hurt and alone and unsupported.

In one review, it was an escape from a situation quickly going askew. A relationship that was changing in a way I did not feel ready for, but needed to go into, if I stayed. A relationship I sincerely wish I had had the foresight to better protect. Because of this failure, people I care for have been hurt. And I now wish I had nurtured the situation, because I now know, one is never ready, but simply must do. I wish I was doing so, now. I feel I have a lot left to give this world, and my heart is a good place to start sharing.

In another review, I wept and wallowed is misery on how I was again alone, and on and on. All so bad for me, always so bad,my life sucks, etc. A self pity party of near colossally epic proportions. During which less than nice things were said or written. Childish temper tantrums were sent through the postal mail, and I regret every word of it.

I know it can't be done overnight, but how does an adult, finally, grow up?

And that brings us back to the beginning of this post; 'To be or not to be', that is my question to myself. One I finally understand and answer “Yes, to be. To be the grown up I should be. That is what I wish of myself.” But how to get there, from here?



Jenny said...

I think growing up must be an eternal process. Things I did or said even ten years ago now make me cringe with embarrassment.. but frankly I hope I can say the same thing in another ten years, for otherwise I'm not growing.

That said.. I think you're taking the biggest step. Owning mistakes. Looking for reconciliation and amends, where possible.

Hey, works for AA. :)

Lodestone and Ladys Mantle said...

(Ac, here)
Bro, you're doing the first right thing on the path. You've decided the old way of doing things just doesn't feed-the-bulldog. Now comes the part of self-invention.

I work this backwards, and advise my friends to do the same....
Picture the perfect, happy, successful 'you'. Picture all of the things, inside & outside of you, that detract or distract from that image.
Picture the perfect, healthy "P.B.", and now work-away, or get rid of, or change everything that doesn't meet that image.
Done smoking? Stop.
Feeling week? Get healthy.

"In the event of loss of cabin pressure,... put the mask upon yourself before attempting to help others".

You know what the "Mature" you is by how you "aren't him yet". You know what grown-up looks like, and how it acts.
Just stop doing the things that keep you from being him.

You are the most important person in your world.
Be the grown-up FOR Yourself, and teach yourself how.
(It's late. I may be rambling. The strongest points needing consideration are in there, somewhere. ~L~)